Wednesday, January 5, 2011

There's always a price to pay

Well, the apartment search continues. I thought that I had found one tonight, but every instinct in me is screaming NO!!! Why??? Becuause the price may just be to high. I'm not talking about the monatary price, no that's price is quite ideal. There's another price to be paid that may be just to much, and that price is the cost of my own peace.

I've work hard to let my armor down over the past few years, to not walk around with my defenses up all the time. And you know what? I like it. Scratch that, love it! It's very liberating to not have to be on guard all the time. To know that the people that encompass my life are trust worthy and that my friends are not just friends, but family. But if I choose this new place to call "home" all that could be in jeapordy. I REALLY don't want to have to move again until I get married.

Moving is a hassle, and I don't want to move again after this unless I know that there is a purpose to it. For example: 1) I get married. Now there's a purpose I can get behind. Moving is very necessary in order to estabish a family and home together; 2) My future husband is a missionary. Now I don't know that to be a fact because there is no one in my life at this point, but moving would definitely be necessary in order to GO to the people that the Lord has called him, and really us, to; 3) The Lord provides me with a job somewhere else in the world (this is also not in the cards at this point), but again neccessary because I would have to move to work. Right now I just feel like a vagabond, moving just to move, and I hate that feeling. If I wanted that feeling to persist I would still be in the Navy letting them drag me every which way they desired. I like the feeling of staying put, having a community to go to and knowing what to expect. I'm a person that likes rules, and knowing what the expectations are and rising to the occasion to meet them. I do well with a clearly defined purpose and moving from place to place randomly impedes upon that.

There's always a price to pay for that thing that you want, but at what cost? For me, for now, that's a cost that seems just to high.

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